Random album review #4

If you don't mind, I'm gonna kick off this post with a short review of The Event: How Racist Are You?, which I've just watched on 4OD. For a programme that primarily announces itself as "the event", I'd struggle to think of a bigger non-event that I've ever seen in my life. What could've been a thoroughly interesting and potentially harrowing piece of television was in fact an hour of volunteer douchebags arguing with each other and the experimental teacher Jane Elliott, and completely scuppering the whole experiment through their own obnoxious pig-headedness. The show was designed, through a micro-recreation of apartheid which divided people with brown eyes and people with blue eyes, to demonstrate how all of us can be perceptible to racism while not realising that we're actually engaged in discrimination. However, this was pissed upon by the cloth-brained middle-class twerps who were determined to turn the programme in to an opportunity to get up on their high horses (or remain on them, having probably rode in to the studio from their Surrey country homes) and assert that they weren't racist in the first place, and had clearly reached the limit of human learning capacity as there was nothing new anyone could teach them that was of any value. These people are a prime example of what the experiment was trying to teach - that you aren't always aware of racism until you're the victim of it yourself - but these wealthy white pillocks couldn't even stop downing pints of their own sexual ejaculate long enough to GET THE FUCKING POINT, and the programme leaves you feeling very depressed at the end as you know that the volunteers weren't going to be put through another experience of apartheid - lynching. Two women in particular really grinded my gears: some chick called Wanda (seemingly named after a fish, and needs to be battered like one too) who completely sabotaged and screwed up the final part of the experiment that was shaping up to be the most interesting section. And the bitch to end all bitches - Terry Taylor. I really fucking hate Terry Taylor. I hate her so much that I felt compelled to add another section to the side of this blog (on the right-hand side somewhere) of people I hate, just so that if she ever googles herself (which she probably will, the stuck-up cow) then hopefully this blog will appear in the results and she'll know how much I want to shove a nail bomb up her arse. She will of course have to filter through the results for Terry Taylor the ex-pro wrestler, who I'm sure is a decent bloke and whose back-side shall hopefully remain nail-free for ever more. I'm not gonna waste much more precious blogging time on this vile hag by detailing every fucking annoying thing she does (I recommend watching the programme yourself, if you want a thoroughly unrewarding hour's telly), but probably her worst part is where she tries to belittle one of the mixed race volunteer's account of how he feels ashamed to pick his daughter up from school in a white middle-class area because he fears his daughter's friends will judge the way he looks, by comparing it to how her rugby playing husband has to wear a suit to work each day instead of his rugby tracksuit. DEAR TERRY TAYLOR, PLEASE USE THE TIP OF ONE OF YOUR HUSBAND'S RUGBY BALLS TO GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES SO THAT NEVER AGAIN CAN YOU DO YOUR OBNOXIOUS AND PATRONISING EYE-ROLLING, THEN KINDLY THROW YOURSELF OFF A CLIFF. I HATE YOU. THANKS, BYE.

Stupid cow. Anyway, on with the random album review.

Spank Rock - YoYoYoYoYo

If you're unaware of the delightfully filthy and smut-filled world of Spank Rock, then a brief skim of their MySpace will soon give you a good idea of what to expect. At the time of writing, the songs in their music player are called 'Loose', 'Shake That', 'B-O-O-T-A-Y', 'Pu$$y' and 'Bitch!', while they describe themselves as sounding like:

"Fat girls in a hot tub, popping bubbly, after a long night of playing slots at Caesar's Palace. We sound like the X rated Motorcycle Diaries meets Kweli on crystal meth"

Apart from a love of crystal meth, there are other things that Spank Rock and Andre Agassi have in common. Namely, they're both fucking good. YoYoYoYoYo is both an absolute pain to type on a keyboard (try it) and an absolute banger of a Bmore hip-hop album. In my experience rap/hip-hop albums are notorious for being very hit and miss, with a lot of miss. Often filled with skits and filler tracks where they've clearly come up with a half decent beat, thrown some half-arsed vocals on top and said "yep, that'll do to pad out our album alongside our one or two genuine hit tunes", several of the hip-hop albums in my iTunes tend to have play counts of "0, 22, 0, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0, 0, 0, 0" - and usually those '1's are the result of library shuffling. Spank Rock's debut (and to date only) LP, however, is packed full of good tunes. Part of what sets them apart from other hip-hop groups is the electro-club element to their tracks, which may be becoming increasingly non-unique through the growth of the likes of Mad Decent and the Bmore and UK Funky scenes in recent times, but when it was released back in 2006 YoYoYoYoYo was, and probably still is, one of the finest examples of a 'hip-hop meets electro house' album.

It's audio porn in two senses. The rapping is pure smut from start to finish, with the emphasis very much on sex, drugs and fillin' holes, but the album successfully sidesteps turning in to a gimmicky all-sex-no-substance record and delivers some quality beats and samples to truly arouse your ears. For me the finest moments of the album come from the second halves of the two songs in the middle, Bump - Amanda Blank takes over with a groin-shuddering flow of deliciously dirty bars ("my rhymes are painful and fresh, my pussy's tasting the best") - and Sweet Talk, which drops the beat completely with about a minute left and the tune morphs in to an euphoric chorus sung by sugary sweet female vocalists, as well as anyone else who happens to be listening to this infectious breakdown. My other top tracks on the album are Touch Me, which heralds it's arrival with a fanfare of trumpets, and Rick Rubin, which must surely sample some '80s 8-bit video game for it's primary tune. As I said though, none of this album disappoints, and if you don't already have it then I'd highly recommend adding it your music library. I'd also highly recommend shooting Terry Taylor on sight, so you can tell that I can be trusted as a man of impeccable taste.

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Do you ever get that feeling that your precursory rant about an annoying volunteer on a Channel 4 TV experiment is actually longer than the album review that was meant to be the main body of the post? I'm getting that feeling now, not sure why...

Anyway - Postmen nationwide are striking for it. Somali pirates are demanding it in return for the safe release of a couple of British hostages. There has been fervid debate over it by the members of the EU for the past week or so. "What is it they all want?!" ...I hear you ask. Oh you jokers, as if you haven't been eagerly anticipating it yourselves: It's time to discover which random album we'll be reviewing next!!

Reet, here we goo... shuffle shuffle shuffle...

THE JAPANESE POPSTARS - WE JUST ARE

This group aren't actually pop singers from Eastern Asia (unlike this little fella), they are in fact electro producers from Northern Ireland. So there. Here's a track to wet your appetite for the next post:

The Japanese Popstars - Face Melter

I feel obliged to add that despite what previous random album reviews might suggest, I do actually have non-dance music albums in my iTunes. The good ones just seem to be rather shuffle shy. Yeah, you heard me 'Astral Weeks' - the GOOD ones. Fuck you Van Morrison, fuck you.

Songs I'm Currently Loving:

• Joy Orbison - BRKLN CLLN
• Terror Danjah - Green Street
• The Juan MacLean - One Day
• Brackles - Rawkus
• Fauna - Zombie - perfect tune for if your Halloween party has a tropical funk theme
• Ms. Dynamite - Bad Gyal - she's still "the same little girl that grew up next door to you", but just a bit more, er, ragga sounding

Some of you are probably asking: "Jack, are the next two songs two of your favourite songs of the year so far?"

Why, yes! They are! How did you know??

• Clark - Growls Garden
• Few Nolder - Chika - we always like to promote both excellent songs and excellent artist names on The Hardcore and The Gentle

Random album review #3

MSTRKRFT - The Looks

MSTRKRFT (for the uninitiated, it's pronounced 'master-craft') are a dance music making duo from Toronto, Canada, who released their debut LP in July 2006. Could they have dreamed in their wildest dreams that, three years later, they'd find that same album - The Looks - being reviewed by none other than The Hardcore and The Gentle? Probably not. But here we are. You can just imagine the looks on the faces of Jesse F. Keeler and Al-P as they eagerly logged on to the blogosphere last Wednesday to discover which album had been selected as the next album in their favourite online album reviewing series (far too many uses of 'album' there in quick succession, my hearty apologies), only to find out that their own masterpiece (or should that be MSTRPC) had been picked! I can just see now the look of wide-eyed wonderment that they must have shared upon reading this news, as gradual realisation dawned - they had finally MADE IT in the music world. Al-P (probably) ran out in to his garden - still in nothing but his dressing gown, the silly wotsit - and with child-like excitement and energy booted a nearby football high in to the air, before throwing his arms up and wooping at the top of his voice. Jesse (probably) bashed in to his prize synthesizer, almost knocking it to the ground, in his joyous rush to get to the phone, desperate to announce the news to his mum and - well, why not? - ALL his mates.

So here we are fellas - this one's for you.

The Looks has long been one of my most loved and most played albums. It comprises only eight tracks, but you'll seldom find a collection of eight songs that make you want to tap your foot and bop your head as incessantly as those laid down by MSTRKRFT here. Having been one half of dance-rock group Death From Above 1979, Jesse F. Keeler clearly felt he'd advance things a year on in to the next decade with MSTRKRFT, as the album is an eighties-influenced slice of electro-funkiness, complete with catchier-than-swine-flu vocal hooks, squelching basslines and squealing synth melodies. Now, I'm very much a man who knows nothing of the crunch, and especially not the credit crunch, but if I was to climb up on to my high horse for a moment whilst placing my head firmly up my own rear-end along with a still unopened copy of The Economist, I'd say that The Looks is very much "pre-Credit Crunch music". Not because it sounds expensively produced or anything, but because it's just such an uplifting happy record; each tune screams out, "wooo let's party on down, all is good in the world!", and you could never imagine needing to be quantitatively eased from anything whilst listening to it.

I was lured in to recruiting The Looks in to the ranks of my music library by the three singles it had spawned: Work On You, Easy Love and Street Justice. All absolute bangers which, along with their many fine remixes for the likes of Wolfmother and DFA 1979, were beginning to build up a rather favourable view of MSTRKRFT in my mind. However, I remained wary that The Looks could transpire to be another dance album that seduces you with the lead singles, before slapping you in the ears with drab filler for the rest of the record. Delightfully, I need not have worried. As soon as opening tracks Work On You and Easy Love have worked their magic, you're greeted by the somewhat childlike female vocalist on She's Good For Business insisting that she's "got to shake it to the one", along with various other numbers, as well as making it clear that you must also join her in this activity, while an infectious clapped beat provides the backdrop for this woman's rather blunt yet highly danceable demands. The rest of the album continues in a similarly groovy style, with title track The Looks, Street Justice and Bodywork also employing highly contagious vocal loops. Street Justice, my personal favourite from the album, slowly and surely builds up, sounding for all the world like a theme tune for some kind of funk-fuelled 1980's American disco-gang (who spend their time "killing on the dancefloor"), and it's not until past halfway through the track that the piece de resistance kicks in - a piercing yet nonchalant guitar solo, oozing arrogance and cool, leaving you longing to be snorting cocaine off a hooker's back in some super fresh Miami club. In the 80's, of course.

So there you go Jesse and Al, give yourselves a big pat on the back because your debut album kicks some serious ass. Shame you then got far too eager to use your success to enlist a variety of 'guests' for your follow up album, resulting in a fairly weak record that contained little of what had made The Looks so good. Little less John Legend and Ghostface Killah on the next album please, and more of the legendary killer tunes like those from The Looks.

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Now for that part of the post where all eyes turn towards what is being labelled, "the most captivating shuffling since Muhammad Ali"; that's right, it's time to select the next random album. With three albums down, things haven't been going too bad (with the exception of Astral shitting Weeks). Two modern day classic electro-dance records have been thrown up, enabling me to gush superlatives like Alesha Dixon judging a shoddy salsa on Strictly Come Dancing (that's right, not even sweet little Alesha is safe from the savage comedic barbarism of The Hardcore and The Gentle). So my friends, let's see what we'll be studying next shall we?

HA Astral Weeks has just come up again! Clearly iTunes and I have very differing opinions on how much we want to listen to that particular album. The shuffling will of course continue...

...hmm, does Brotherhood by Chemical Brothers count? It's a greatest hits after all, not an original album. Nah, it doesn't count. Shuffle shuffle...

...ooh. Interesting.

Ladies und Ehrenmanner, the next post in this ground-breaking series of random album reviews will focus on:

SPANK ROCK - YOYOYOYOYO

Tings gon' get dutty, yo (yoyoyoyo).

Here's a wee taster for you to groan to in aural pleasure:

Spank Rock - Bump

Songs I'm Currently Loving

• The Ian Carey Project - Get Shaky - if ever there was a song I'm currently loving, it's this. And I'm only slightly ashamed to admit it. Next time you see me I'll be dancing on one of those podiums they put in the middle of dancefloors for house nights, wearing ripped and faded jeans and nothing but a waistcoat and tie on my upper half. Apart from sunglasses, of course.
• 2562 - Flashback - recently released Unbalance by 2562 is already threatening to appear prominently in the old 'album of the year' list
• jj - Things Will Never Be The Same Again - as is the debut album by Swedish melodic popsters jj
• The Gaslamp Killer - Birthday Music
• Darkstar - Aidy's Girl's a Computer
• Invisible Conga People - Cable Dazed - PLEASE let the ridiculous band name entice you, this is a great tune.

I insist you download that song (along with the rest, they're all fab). In fact, I won't TECHNO for an answer:

• Vitalic - Second Lives
• Ricardo Villalobos - Baila Sin Petit
• Audion - Kisses

Bit too cutting edge with my comedy sometimes? Probably. Here are some sweet remixes of already super-sweet tunes

• Lil Wayne - Lollipop (Verdis Remix)
• Radiohead - Reckoner (LoveTongueAttack B-more Remix)

Crikey! Has this been the best 'Songs I'm Currently Loving' to date? Twelve songs-worth of indisputable quality says that could well be the case...