Friday 10 December 2010

Monty Don

Is there a rapist in Linkin Park?, asked worried Yahoo Answers member Zack Garrison earlier this year. While they may be his favourite band, he made it clear that, should Chester Bennington or one of his companions prove to be a sex criminal, Zack could not condone such behaviour. Although there is almost definitely at least one rapist in Linkin Park, poor little Zack was getting himself confused with one of the year's biggest viral videos, Antoine Dodson being interviewed about an intruder who had snuck in to his sister's bed the previous night - in Lincoln Park. The clip quickly began filling inboxes and Facebook walls the world over, and it wasn't long before this followed hot on it's tracks:


The song became possibly even bigger than the original clip, and was even packaged up and released as a genuine single (oh go on then, have a download). While usually a staunch cynic when it comes to such gimmicks - I find the rest of the 'auto-tune the news' videos gratingly unfunny - I was rather smitten with the 'Bed Intruder Song', and it became one of those songs where I'd find myself reaching for the 'play again' button as soon as it had run it's course.

And here, eventually, is where we've reached the point of that intro. While 'Bed Intruder Song' - perhaps shockingly - doesn't feature at all on my list of favourite songs of the year, the tracks that comprise the top 10 have, on more than one occasion, been hastily scrambled back to the start so that I can listen to them two, three, four times on repeat. While some eyebrows may be raised over the course of this final section of the list, you can be assured that it's my sense of enjoyment for these tracks that prevails over any kind of deep critical dissection of the songs themselves - a fact that should be made abundantly clear when you see what enters in tenth place. That, of course, is not to say that these songs are anything short of masterpieces in their own right.

Finally, before I begin the final push towards the end, I'd like to say that it really would be lovely to hear what you have to think. I know the majority of you don't have the free time or will-power to trawl, as I have, through all the songs you've heard this year and then arrange them in order of preference, but if there are a few stand-out tracks that you feel have been highlights then do let me know, as I always enjoy discovering new sounds. Drop a comment at the bottom of the page, send me a message on Facebook, post me a sheet of papyrus inked with your own blood - I'm not fussed how you do it, it'd be greatly appreciated no matter what.

Anyway, as the Sex Pistols once almost said: 

NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS, HERE'S SOME BAJAN R&B

10. Rihanna - Rude Boy

"giddy up, giddy up, giddy up babe"

While I'm generally a fan of much of Rihanna's work, this has surely got to be the best song of her career to date. A departure from anything else she's done, 'Rude Boy' took a splash of dancehall, a drop of ragga, and a pinch of M.I.A. to conjure up one of the summer's biggest anthems. You could turn no more than two corners at this year's Notting Hill carnival without hearing the sassy lyrics blaring out of some float or soundsystem. It's been embraced and remixed by all corners of the music world, and you'd be just as likely to hear Rihanna's teasing challenge oozing out of the speakers of a drum 'n' bass night as you would on a Saturday night Oceana dancefloor. The video - 'inspired', let's say, by M.I.A.'s promo for 'Boyz' - is captivating to say the least, and reaffirms the song's status as a real temperature-raiser. 'Rude Boy' is one of those rare gems in pop music that's a refreshment rather than an imitation, and a moment that Rihanna may never top.

9. Tensnake - Coma Cat

"can I get, can I get-get?"

When a track becomes such an anthem as Tensnake's 'Coma Cat' has, it's no surprise to see attempts at criticism springing up from various quarters. Suddenly, every snide music critic became a fan of obscure '80s funk jam 'What I Like', pointing out that the infectious bassline from Tensnake's banger was in fact just lifted from the Anthony And The Camp semi-hit. Such comparisons and critiques are completely pointless: the fact of the matter is that 'Coma Cat' is a brilliant song in it's own right, regardless of what's been fed in to it to make it so. One of the greatest talents electronic music producers possess is the ability to pluck just the right sample out of music's murky vaults, and turn it in to a thing of modern-day beauty. From the wailing call to prayer that opens the track, to the simply effective vocal sample that peppers the track, to the gorgeous, ecstasy-inducing chimes of the melody, this is a tune that cannot fail to affect the listener in some way. And that 'way' is usually a sense of euphoric, unbridled joy.

8. Swindle - Airmiles

"bom-bom-bom-bom bom-ba-dom-bom"

There's little point these days in trying to define many of the tracks that emerge around the edges of the worlds of dubstep, funky and grime, as some producers treat pigeon-holes as if they're actually just spaces to put pigeons in. While 'Airmiles' definitely falls in to the minuscule midpoint that a Venn diagram of musical genres would create for it, there's at least one way to describe it: savage as fuck. Leading in with a misleadingly contemplative and calm synth opening, it doesn't take long for the underfed pittbull terrier that lies at the heart of the track to break free from it's leash. A ragged rave riff comes hurtling in, swiftly followed by some domineering beats to leave no-one in any doubt that this track don't take no shit from no man. You'll either be left cowering behind your couch, or jumping around like a loon. Or you could combine the two, and create a kind of eccentric new dance. Yeah, do that.

7. Aloe Blacc - I Need A Dollar

"I had some good old buddies, names is whiskey and wine"

I'm yet to meet anyone who actually first discovered this fantastic neo-soul treat through watching US show 'How To Make It In America', but apparently that's how it found its fame. The song is a throwback to Depression-era blues, and is poignantly befitting of these times of current financial woe. Telling the story of a young man's struggle to find and secure employment - possibly based around Aloe Blacc's own troubles, if I remember correctly - the track is an observational narrative of the difficulties and pitfalls that face America's underprivileged. As with all the best blues tracks, this troubled tale is set against a soulfully groovy backdrop, with the hints of hip-hop that you might expect to find on a record released on Stones Throw. 'I Need A Dollar' is a kind of fable for current times, highlighting the struggles that arise in the world's most advanced Capitalist society. The fact that it does this in gloriously swinging fashion does it no harm, either.

6. James Blake - CMYK

"look I found her red coat"

Kelis may have already found approval earlier in this list for her electro make-over in 2010, but it's her work from way back in 1999 that's to thank for one of this year's most brilliant and iconic moments. Plucking a sample from the ex-Mrs Nas' early hit 'Caught Out There' (the one that goes "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!"), fast-rising producer James Blake has tweaked it to perfection to create an irresistible vocal hook that has kept lovers of bass music addicted since it's release. Opening in entrancing style, 'CMYK' eases in to existence with a set of halcyon keyboard strokes that sound like they should be used as sound effects for raindrops in an animated Beatrix Potter cartoon, rather than forming the start of an innovative dubstep instant-classic. Then, with the track still as sparse as Vince Cable's Christmas card collection, Blake ushers in Kelis' "look I found her *damn* red coat" snippet, before gradually elevating proceedings with a hazy set of synths, and then - W-W-W-WOMPH. With crashing bass thuds a lot more subtle and calculated (and better) than the kind found in much of the terrible, Nero-style dubstep, James Blake burns a lasting CMYK imprint on the listener's brain. It's a shame that he seems to be heading in a bit of a naff new direction - 'Limit To Your Love' is decent and all that, but at the end of the day it's just a man covering a Feist tune, but a bit stripped-back. 'CMYK' is a lot more exciting.

5. Gyptian - Hold Yuh

"gyal you give me the tightest hold me eva seen in my life"

Long before it was officially released on these shores as 'Hold You' (rather than 'Yuh'), I first discovered this track by reading an article dedicated to it in the Guardian. I know that my choice of newspaper may now leave my credibility in tatters as far as judging dancehall/reggae is concerned, but seeing the author exalt 'Hold Yuh' to the ranks of such modern reggae classics as 'Welcome To Jamrock' and 'No Letting Go' piqued my interest. Described as a "slowburn hit", I prepared myself to not be blown away upon first listen - and I wasn't. In fact, it took a few listens for the understated genius of this track to sink in. But when I eventually 'got it', woah - I adored it. While my ears are a bit too Caucasian and Guardian-reading to actually decipher many of the lyrics, it's the manner in which they're sung - brimming with soul and passion - that makes the impact. The enchanting piano pattern could just as easily belong to an early rave anthem if sped up a bit and plonked on some house beats, but as it is it's bewitchingly simplistic, holding the whole tune together with effortless class. The lack of any major other accompaniment, save for some restrained bass and percussion, ensures that 'Hold Yuh' is a dancefloor classic that's actually fairly hard to dance to.

4. Letherette - In July Focus

".............."

While there are obviously words being sung, they're tantalisingly indecipherable in Letherette's sublime 'In July Focus'. Or at least they are for me, do feel free to have a crack at them yourselves. I find it hard to write about this song without descending in to gushing, sickly-sweet clichéd superlatives, but it really is just that blissfully disarming. The primary description that comes to mind when I try to detail the nature of the vocals is that they're like a chorus of golden angels whispering sweet nothings in my ear, which is hardly the kind of inventive language that's going to land me the job of Music Editor at The Independent on Sunday. But seeing as I'm not actually applying for that job at this present moment in time, I may as well persist with my shiny happy descriptions. This sounds like the kind of music that Bambi would produce had he not descended in to a life of drugs and crime after his mum died, and instead chosen to make instrumental hip-hop. In case you're still wondering, yes, I was talking about Bambi the animated Disney deer there, not some obscure rapper from Queens that I'm expecting everyone to have heard of or anything like that. Just get off my back, OK? And hurry up and give me that Indie on Sunday job, I needs the scrilla aiight?


"beam me up, beam me up, beam me up, beam me uptown"

Permanent Vacation should really give themselves a jolly good pat on the back. They're the label responsible for 'Coma Cat', Azari & III's 2009 belter 'Reckless With Your Love', and this, possibly my favourite so far from their gloriously chic catalogue. While reports that in hidden Fijian bunkers teams of narcotics peddlers are busy compressing this song in to ecstasy tablet form are still unconfirmed, you'll definitely need some pretty potent sleeping aid to bring you down after the uncontainable euphoria of this re-rub of Midnight Magic's 'Beam Me Up' enters your bloodstream. If you've read everything up to here in this post you'll probably be weary of my incessant superlatives by now (these are my utmost favourite songs of the year, after all), but nigh on everything about this track is brilliant. If I had to pick the most brilliant part, I might say that the piano riff, which dances steadily and irresistibly along throughout, was the most brilliant. Or I might say that the soulful rapture of the vocals, soaring to heady crescendos before floating "back downtown", were the most brilliant. Or maybe the most brilliant bit is the trumpet part in the latter half of the track, reaffirming the song's status as a bona fide disco-house sensation. Nah, it's too hard to choose - it's just brilliant from start to finish.

2. The Hundred In The Hands - Dressed In Dresden

"you be bombed Berlin, and I'll play Stalingrad"

I've listened to a hell of a lot of music over the past year, so it takes something really quite special to make it in to this Top 10, let alone at number 2. There's also always the danger with lists such as these of falling in to the trap of favouring the more recent releases, as they're fresher in the mind. However, 'Dressed In Dresden' is a song that I first heard right at the end of 2009, and its appeal over the past twelve months hasn't waned in the slightest. Featured on the '2010 From Warp Records' promo that the label released as a kind of sampler for the year ahead, this was a song that very much had me at "hello", if "hello" translates in to musical terms as "a tight, catchy guitar riff". My full-on indie-loving ways may now be a thing of the past, but here was guitar music that got me really excited. Of course, it's not just your bog-standard indie fare here - with only two members of the band, there's evidently some electronic trickery at play to create such a layered sound. On top of the pulsating, techno-y drum beat there are a number of fluttering polyrhythms that bound around the track under the jagged guitar and WW2 references of the lyrics, which themselves are engagingly cryptic but strikingly ardent nonetheless. This initial offering from THITH was pleasingly followed by a solid album around the middle of the year, but while the new tracks did nothing to disappoint, 'Dressed In Dresden' still blitzes them all - if you'll pardon the pun.

1. oOoOO - NoSummr4U

"maybe, we can fall in love"

It's been quite an interesting year for pop music. Dubstep has "gone pop", courtesy of Magnetic Man, Katy B, et al (unfortunately that 'et al' is just used in the regular sense, and isn't an abbreviation of Hyetal, who's great but is some way off making an imprint on the mainstream). Pop has been gifted arguably one of its defining albums of all time this year, in the form of Kanye's 'My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy', while the current Queen of Pop, Lady Gaga, has smashed all number of different records over the past twelve months. There's a strong prospect that not one, but two tracks of complete silence will have featured in the UK Top 40 by the time the clocks tick over into 2011, and this year saw The Beatles launch an assault on the charts for the first time in 40 years thanks to their eventual deal with iTunes.

"Yeah, what's ya point?" I hear you murmur, wearily. Well, the point is that 2010 has also seen pop music start to be dragged down from its glitzy perch in to the murky depths of the underground. R&B in particular has found its glamorous mansions being pillaged by eager dubstep and garage producers - we need look no further than number 6 in this list to spot evidence of such antics. But now seems as good a time as ever for the admission that I'd been trying to prolong as much as possible: I don't actually know how the hell you say the name of the artist responsible for my favourite song of the past year - oOoOO. I've read somewhere that it's simply pronounced 'Oh'. Let's go with that. Known outside of his ridiculously unconsumer-friendly moniker as Christopher Dexter Greenspan (but even then that's not his real name), this is an artist who has invariably been shoved under the 'witch-house' label to describe his music. Even if you're aware of what the term means, ignore it. I'm not a fan of the constant genre-bashing that goes on - "you can't call that dubstep!"; "how is this techno?!" - as often it's quite nice and useful to be able to group various pieces of music under one umbrella term, but oOoOO's is a style of music that's best defined by the man himself, rather than by others who are insistent on witch-housing him. Labelling his music, "pop music for the unconscious", and stating an affinity closer to Britney and Christina than with any other witch-house dwellers, this is a man who clearly has a love for the mainstream.

'NoSummr4U' is a stupefying song. Squirming in to existence with a dank smothering of synths and brooding kick drums, it sets out its stall as the most distortedly despondent 'pop' you're ever likely to hear. A series of tumbling arpeggios shoot from the gloom, brushing it with flashes of illumination like distant fireworks in an industrial wasteland. Then the vocals: take me, take me to the water, summertime, summertime, maybe, we can fall in love. Perhaps a little flat when read in print, but when they're seeping out of your headphones, in one instant haunting, in another comforting and silky, you can quite easily forget where you are. As further lyrics emerge, the end sound of "I listen to the rain outside" reverberates ad infinitum back in to the shadows from whence it sprung, as if consigned to a life of perpetual resignation. This is a running theme of oOoOO's work: with a deep love for that which fills commercial radio, his music is a mournful, reflected take on pop music, like an echo that's destined to always linger in the shadowy depths of the cave rather than leap directly from the source.

As this is getting rather lengthy and I've essentially just been paraphrasing myself for the past few lines (from a review I wrote of his 'oOoOO EP', which doesn't even feature this track), I'll wrap things up there. If you've read the entirety of this post in one sitting, then by God you deserve the several bottles of wine that I'm gonna buy you through sheer amazement. If you've ploughed through it all in several bite-size chunks then that is still no less of an impressive feat, and I really am extremely grateful and appreciative to anyone who's bothered reading everything on this page. The sane ones among you will probably have scrolled straight to the bottom to see what was number one, probably contorted your face in to a mixture of bemusement and disinterest, and then got outta here sharpish. In which case you're probably no longer reading this, so it's suffice to say that I went down on all your mothers last night.

Once my hand has recovered from the extreme cramp and agony that it will find itself in once I've finally put this post to bed, I'll compose another entry in a bit about my Top 10 Favourite Albums of the year. So that's something to look forward to, eh?

bye.

Wednesday 8 December 2010

Percy Thrower



20. KiNK - Existence

Combining deep house with the spirit of early '90s rave, this was both a euphoric, point-your-fingers-to-the-sky banger and a considered slow-burner in equal measure. After a steady, tightly produced intro, the acid rain clouds that are gathering overhead suddenly burst, unleashing a downpour of old-skool piano riffs to leave you with a big grin on your sopping wet face.

19. Zola Jesus - Night

A leading figure in the rising gothic ambient movement that's reared it's mascaraed head in 2010, Zola Jesus released an experimental collaborative EP with LA Vampires as well as solo album 'Stridulum II' this year, and it's from the latter that this towering, atmospheric number comes from. Starting as it means to go on - i.e. ominously - a scattering of whispered voices pave the way for Zola's majestic, Siouxsie Sioux-esque voice to tread alongside the unforgiving and powerful beating of the drum that drives the track, creating a strong contender for 'anti-anthem of the year'.

18. Pantha du Prince - Stick To My Side (Four Tet version)

Reading like a list of the most highly talented but potentially conversationally awkward dinner guests that one could invite round for some Christmas turkey, Pantha du Prince, Noah Lennox (aka Animal Collective's Panda Bear) and Four Tet combine to make a track that easily lives up to its production credits. Taking the already excellent original from the heart of Pantha du Prince's 'Black Noise' album, Four Tet leaves the vocals more or less in tact but injects some of his trademark warm, chiming techno to give the song a bit of a mood lift, and to my mind pushing the song to an even higher level.

17. Girl Unit - Wut

'Wut' is like a more brazen, in-your-face version of Joy Orbison's 'Hyph Mngo', which I can assure you is in no way an insult. Featuring the same sense of wistful euphoria as Joy Orbison's masterpiece, this became a staple of many-a DJ set across the land, often serving well as an end-of-night closer. The Night Slugs label released a bountiful amount of quality material this year, and Girl Unit's seven-minute epic is a fine pinnacle of their 2010 catalogue.

16. Darkstar - Gold

As has become the norm amongst heralded dubstep producers recently, here was Darkstar's turn to cover one of The Human League's obscure early '80s B-sides. Er wait, what? In fact, 2010 was a year in which Darkstar did very little by the book, switching from the beat-driven dubstep style of early tracks such as 'Need You' to, well, mellow synth-pop. After a bit of confusion it became obvious that it worked, as this exquisite cover of 'You Remind Me Of Gold' proved.

15. Deadboy - If U Want Me

Deadboy strode on to the scene in impressive fashion towards the end of 2009 with his 'U Cheated' EP, and his love for a R&B vocal and a funky bassline showed no sign of dwindling as we moved in to a fresh decade. This lusciously captivating delight filled mixes and sets for months, and further fuelled Numbers' ability to consider themselves as one of the year's top labels.

14. Fritz Kalkbrenner - Facing The Sun

Brother of legendary German techno producer Paul Kalkbrenner (of, amongst a wealth of other things, 'Berlin Calling' fame), Fritz took further steps towards his own solo career this year with the release of his début LP, which was led by this blissful brain-warmer. While the guitar is an often overlooked instrument in the worlds of house and techno, the delicate riff on 'Facing The Sun' is really rather gorgeous, especially when layered with the poignant beauty of the vocals. The production on the track is deep and organic, resulting in one of the most enchanting treats that you could bestow upon your ears this year.

13. D Double E - Street Fighter Riddim

To my thoroughly unqualified and amateur grime mind, this was this year's 'Next Hype'. I think by that I mean 'Street Fighter Riddim' was one of those tunes that transcended the confines of the grime community, and made a name for itself in the wider world. A bit like P Money's brilliant '1 Up' last year, the lyrical theme here is retro console games, but the real appeal of this tune is in the production, namely the brutal bass stabs that pepper the track behind D Double E's snarled spitting.

12. Débruit - Nigeria What?

Let's face it, an EP that comes complete with 3D specs to observe the cover art properly is either gonna be brilliant, or shit. Delightfully, the entirety of Débruit's internationally-flavoured 'Spatio Temporel EP' was great, but the particular highlight was the disarming closer, 'Nigeria What?', which expertly fused squelching bass bubbles with a sub-Saharan riff and hot vocal snaps. 3D glasses may have been required for the artwork, but the music itself belonged to a whole other dimension.

11. Flying Lotus - Do The Astral Plane

I don't think I'll ever find an intro to a song that makes me as happy as the gentle, abstract scatting that ushers in 'Do The Astral Plane'. The most danceable track on his latest 'Cosmogramma' album, and possibly the most danceable of his career to date, Flying Lotus deploys a joyfully simplistic tune which has become perfect 'call and response' fodder for the close of his live shows. Featuring his typically micro-managed production, 'Do The Astral Plane' is like it's own little world, where hip-hop, jazz and string samples coexist happily together in permanently sun-soaked fields. This song is probably what would emit from your computer speakers if you typed 'bliss' in to that programme that speaks what you write.

Tuesday 7 December 2010

Toby Buckland


Already established as the production brains behind The xx and with a rapidly growing reputation as a master disc spinner, Jamie 'xx' Smith has created a remix record for Gil Scott-Heron's 2010 'I'm New Here' album (entitled, in remixed form, 'We're New Here'), due for release in February. I'm not sure what kind of rubbery gold he's crafted the beat to the above track from, but I am sure that it's already likely to feature highly in next year's favourite songs list.

Returning to this year's list, though, and it would appear that 'The Man' is doing his very best to curb the snowballing influence of this blog. Having already frozen both my financial and physical assets (my hands are currently being stored in cryogenic tanks in northern Kyrgyzstan, meaning that I'm having to write this using a Twiglet that I've taped to my tongue), I received an e-mail the other day from the blogging site informing me that my previous post had been taken down due to a copyright claim. When I investigated further, some of the download links to the higher profile artists had been deleted. I've replaced those with links to YouTube and re-upped the post, but - in an attempt to boost exposure for lesser-known producers by offering a solitary track as a sampler - I'll try and maintain download links for as many tracks as possible. Hopefully if you enjoy a song that you download from here you might buy the EP/LP it's from, or pay money to go and see that particular band/DJ live, and most of the songs that'd get me in to trouble will be ones that you'd probably know/own already anyway.

So with that in mind as we continue the Top 50 songs countdown, the more commercially heavyweight songs that feature on the list will just link to YouTube videos, as I'm presuming that download links would just get taken down anyway before too long.

30. Rudi Zygadlo - Resealable Friendship

One man's love for all things horse tranquilliser, squeezed in to a shivering and shuddering synthetic ode.

29. Tinie Tempah - Pass Out

Tinie Tempah's triumphant début single was one of those great pop music moments where everything just fitted together perfectly - the charmingly naff lyrics, the rolling swagger of the bassline, and, of course, that glorious drum 'n' bass finale.

28. xxxy - This Much

From the ever-increasingly difficult to define genre that spans dubstep, garage, 2-step and techno, this expansive, heartfelt offering from Manchester's xxxy is as much a treat for the mind as it is for the feet.

27. Crystal Castles - Baptism

While Crystal Castles' follow-up album didn't exactly explore any new territory, neither did it fail to live up to the high expectations surrounding it, and 'Baptism' is as good as anything in their back catalogue.

26. Kele - Tenderoni

Bloc Party's front-man decided to further explore his dance leanings with his first solo record, and this is as euphorically great as the world of pop has reached in the past few years.

25. Daedelus - You've Heard

A rollicking, triumphant offering from the Ninja Tune/Brainfeeder stalwart's split EP with Teebs, as part of the LA Series set of releases.

24. Submerse - Hold It Down

A sublime slice of forward-thinking garage, combining an exquisite backdrop of strings with a brilliant R&B-tinged vocal (I think I read somewhere it samples Brandy). This is UK bass music at its deepest, emotional best.

23. Katy B - Katy On A Mission


Benga's decision to haul his track 'Man On A Mission' out of the archives and combine with established Rinse FM sweetheart Katy B to create this crossover gem goes some way to atone for much of the tat that he's been pumping out as part of Magnetic Man. 'I Need Air' may have paved the way for "dubstep" (I Need Air ain't dubstep, love) to stumble in to the mainstream, but 'Katy On A Mission' has been the real success story this year.

22. Gonjasufi - Ancestors

The highlight from his Gaslamp Killer-produced 'A Sufi and A Killer' album, this combines Gonjasufi's softly abstract twang poured over GLK's beat-laden world of haze. I think a doobie-spliff or two might have been passed around whilst they were making this.

21. Addison Groove - Footcrab

Insane-Insane-Insane-Insane. Footcrab-Footcrab-Footcrab-Footcrab. Makes perfect sense, no? Well maybe not on paper, but when you listen to established dubstep producer Headhunter's first release under his Addison Groove alias you'll find that, even though almost no other song like it has ever existed, 'Footcrab' just makes a whole lotta sense. Taking inspiration and characteristics from the juke scene in Chicago, Addison Groove has created one of the most fascinatingly unprecedented tunes of, well, the past decade. An instant, genre-defining classic akin to 'Hyph Mngo' or 'Aidys Girl's A Computer', this is a moment of individual brilliance that will stand alone for quite some time.

Friday 3 December 2010

Geoff Hamilton

2010 has been another solid year for musical output, with some really exciting and forward-thinking stuff coming from across all genres. However, in amongst these shiny gems and mouth-watering offerings, the year has produced another, almost even more remarkable phenomenon: I think I might have discovered the worst song I've ever heard.


While, for obvious reasons, a lot less attention is directed towards the stinkers than the highlights when it comes to end of year round-ups, I feel that this song represents something other than 'just a bad song' - I truly believe that 2010 has spawned the utmost worst thing ever committed to record. For me, this song stands head and shoulders above anything that has preceded it, and it'll take a Herculean effort from future generations to surpass its borderline-audacious atrocity. You may be thinking to yourself: what is this song that is seemingly even more of an abhorrent sound than eavesdropping in on Paul Henry and Rev. Terry Jones eagerly comparing recipes for how to make burgers out of babies with cleft palates whilst tossing each other off at an average speed of 23mph? Duck Sauce's 'Barbara Streisand' was certainly bad, but was so uncontrollably stupid that it became one of the year's most infectious anthems. In any other year, Alexandra Burke's 'Start Without You' would've been rubbing its hands as eagerly as Ricky Hatton in the back room of a Bogota pie shop, as it would normally be a shoe-in for the title of 'Worst Track of the Year'. However at least Burke's effort had a shred of infuriating catchiness to it, no matter how much you may want to slice out your eardrums with some unreasonably salty Kettle Chips whenever you heard it. No, this is a song that had literally nothing - NOTHING - going for it. It is, of course, The Saturdays - 'Missing You'


Here was a song that seemed to almost revel in its own terribleness. Unlike many of the worst songs that have been unleashed on the world, 'Missing You' is too slow to be catchy, and the plodding nature of the track simply draws even more attention to the undeniably dreadful lyrics, singing, production, whatever - name any aspect of a song, and here was the perfect example of how not to do it. The initial vocal refrain - the video suggests it comes courtesy of Frankie, who is the worst singer of the bunch anyway but in truth it's auto-tuned beyond any kind of personal identification - is laughably appalling, and I seem to remember that when I first heard it wafting out of the radio I snorted in such strong contempt that I almost lost several weeks' worth of snot as a result. Rarely does a song exist to serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever, but this one is a categorical exception to that rule. If it's lyrical theme could be described as anything other than diabolical, it would probably be 'sombre', which, combined with its slow tempo, would make it somewhat of a buzz-kill if dropped in a club. Not even a bona fide moron would listen to this song reflectively during a quiet moment of their own time and feel that their own emotions were mirrored in the song, rendering it both publicly and intimately pointless. Every night before I go to sleep I take five minutes to kneel at the foot of my bed, shut my eyes and clasp my hands together, and transmit unbridled gratitude to any celestial beings that may be out there for the blessing that up until now this song has never come on whilst I've had a cheese grater in my hands, as if such incidents were ever to align then I would be left with no choice but to shred my face in to a bloody, cheddar-tinged pulp.

Anyway, time to saunter down to the other end of the quality spectrum - here are numbers 40 - 31 of my Top 50 countdown:

40. Lady GaGa - Alejandro

The obligatory GaGa entry. There may be some of you who'll question whether this is in fact a move for the better along the quality spectrum, but to those people I say: Fuck you, and stop sending me pictures of your faeces.

39. DJ Zinc feat. Ms Dynamite - Wile Out

Never fear, I'll yank my waggling tongue off the Radio1 daytime playlist's clitoris soon enough, but this crossover UK Funky hit became a tune that deservedly gained appreciation from all quarters. Now, how did those lyrics go again...?

38. Illum Sphere - Titan

For me, this was the highlight from an excellent year that the Manchester producer enjoyed. For him, the highlight was probably being booked by me to play in Sheffield. I mean, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm not.

37. DJ Rashad - Who Da Coldest

It should be common knowledge by now that adding an element of 'acid' to any type of music makes it infinitely better. Acid house, acid jazz - now here's acid juke, courtesy of one of Planet Mu's multiple signings from the genre, DJ Rashad.

36. Kavsrave - PClart

Just one of the many gems that the Glaswegian imprint Numbers - probably label of the year, along with Night Slugs - bestowed upon the world in 2010.

35. Yeasayer - Ambling Alp

Psychedelically twee indie from the New York outfit's second album.

34. Joe - Claptrap

Introducing the notion of a 'clap-along classic', courtesy of one of 2010's most interesting tracks. Or, alternatively, as an old Yorkshireman exclaimed when it burst out of my phone to indicate the arrival of a new message: "That's a stupid noise".

33. Giggs - Look What The Cat Dragged In

While I'm not a consistent fan of everything that the slow-paced Londoner does, the swaggering production and calculated lyrics on this one make it fairly hard to resist.

32. Balam Acab - Regret Making Mistakes

The first appearance in the list of the musical style that would invariably be classified as 'drag' or 'witch-house', this track is off the very first EP that the newly formed Tri Angle label released, and it's really very good, combining an oppressive, unrelenting background with hauntingly harmonic vocals. Bloody gaw-jus it is.

31. Ikonika - Idiot

A woman who rarely puts a foot wrong, Ikonika released her début LP on Hyperdub early this year, with this typically frantic and bleepy (as we say in the music reviewing world) offering paving the way as lead single.


SEE YAZ NEXT TIME, PIP PIP!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday 2 December 2010

Alan Titchmarsh

As befits the sloppy and lazy nature of this particular smudge on the face of the world wide web, rather than going to the trouble of thinking of my own words and writing with my own fingers as to why this blog has remained post-less for several months, I've chosen to plunder a website dedicated to "sorry I haven't posted in a while" entries that other bloggers have used. After skimming through a few, these are the entries that I feel best represent The Hardcore & The Gentle's absence:


"Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile. I just feel nobody reads this and my life hasn’t really been too interesting for awhile…."


"Sorry I haven’t posted.. and no I haven’t weighed myself since my last post.. I’ve been just way too busy."


"Okay ya’ll sorry I haven’t posted anything lately, buhuttt….
I’VE BEEN WORKING ON MY QUEEN MUSICAL!!!! Entitled, The Rhapsody."
I know that many of you have felt confused, angry, upset, and even - in certain cases - indifferently underwhelmed by the lack of posts that this blog's been churning out, but fear not friends: The Hardcore and The Gentle is back. Of course, much has been said about this blog in the past six months. Some have dubbed it 'the forefather of WikiLeaks', a trailblazer amongst websites that publish widely unpopular content that startlingly makes its way into the public domain for others to read. Elsewhere, a Snappy Snaps employee from the Hampstead Heath area described reading The Hardcore and The Gentle as, "an even more dismaying and sickening experience than staring deep in to the depraved red eyes of George Michael as he comes careering towards you through a blizzard of broken glass and blown-up sample school photos". Other sound bites relating to TH&TG from 2010 include Vince Cable labelling it (or should that be 'cabelling it'? *titter*), "irrelevant"; the Pope hinting that, under certain circumstances, it could be a necessary evil; and the entire panel of X Factor judges branding it, "unconditionally brilliant".
So now that you're pretty much up to date with the various perceptions of this blog since it went AWOL, let me begin to ease you in to another retrospective look back at the year. As anyone who keeps up with the mainstream British media will know, 2010 started way back in January. Then it was February, then March, and before we knew it, April had arrived. May came hot on its tail, June was no slouch either, and, while things looked sketchy at points, July, August and September followed, although to this day no-one's quite sure in what order. October came next, although some chose to skip straight to November - more fool them, I say. And now we've arrived in December. And it's at this point of the year that I'm going to stop listing months and embark on listing songs instead - my top 50 favourite songs from 2010, to be precise. While last-minute claims by Panorama concerning irregular betting patterns surrounding the Top 50 list threatened to destabilise both this and future posts, David Cameron, Prince William and David Beckham have spent the last 48 hours fervently sucking my balls in an effort to defuse the situation, when they really should have been running a fucking country, serving as an emergency rescue helicopter pilot, and not cheating on their wife instead.
But all is good now, so I'll leave you with entries 50 - 41 (with a download link for each thrown in for good measure) of my Top 50 Favourite Songs of 2010, while I go off to rub some Nivea Ball Moisturiser on to my now heavily chafing balls. Voila:
50. Foals - Spanish Sahara
In which the Oxford math-rockers slide from the frantic ADHD of their earlier work to the svelte, measured style that fills their Mercury-nominated second album, 'Total Life Forever' - to impressive effect.
49. Jaga Jazzist - One-Armed Bandit
The title track from Norwegian experimental jazz outfit Jaga Jazzist's latest album, with enough layers and changing patterns to make it the Norwegian experimental jazz equivalent of 'Paranoid Android' or 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.
48. Teengirl Fantasy - Cheaters
A modern-day moral sermon, in deep, groovy electronic form.
47. DJ Nate - Footwurk Homicide
This list includes a handful of tracks from a couple of 2010's burgeoning genres, and this represents the first appearance of Chicago's 'juke' music in the Top 50. Now is not the time nor place to discuss the rise of juke, but basically it's generally not actually that good, despite what many websites may claim to the contrary. However there are some gems, with this swaggering effort by youngster DJ Nate definitely being one of them.
46. Kelis - Acapella
Kelis made the transition this year from sassy, milkshake-slurping R&B vixen to sultry, David Guetta-befriending electro queen. I for one liked it. However, David Guetta is a massive cunt. That is all.
45. FunkinEven - Heart Pound
With The Hardcore and The Gentle darling Floating Points not really doing much this year, it was left to others on the Eglo imprint to dazzle. FunkinEven had a stellar 2010, with this slightly Detroit-esque belter my particular fave.
44. Aeroplane - We Can't Fly
Aeroplane divided in two and released a patchy début album in October, but this cut of disco-house heaven was a great example of what's earned them such high praise in the past.
43. MMM - Nous Sommes MMM
One of the subtlest yet most devastating bangers to ravage dancefloors this year, the French duo's track was a deadly tool for any and every techno DJ the world over.
42. DJ Roc - King of the Circle
Mo' juke fo' y'all! This one starts off all film noir, before easing in to juke's characteristic high tempo beats and sampled vocal snatches.
41. Bag Raiders - Snake Charmer
I'm always a shucker for a jaunty and infectious little tune, and with this tune being as jaunty and infectious as they come it's just left to some solid electro beats and dissipated percussion to make this one a real shoulder-shaker.