Thursday, 2 December 2010

Alan Titchmarsh

As befits the sloppy and lazy nature of this particular smudge on the face of the world wide web, rather than going to the trouble of thinking of my own words and writing with my own fingers as to why this blog has remained post-less for several months, I've chosen to plunder a website dedicated to "sorry I haven't posted in a while" entries that other bloggers have used. After skimming through a few, these are the entries that I feel best represent The Hardcore & The Gentle's absence:

"Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile. I just feel nobody reads this and my life hasn’t really been too interesting for awhile…."

"Sorry I haven’t posted.. and no I haven’t weighed myself since my last post.. I’ve been just way too busy."

"Okay ya’ll sorry I haven’t posted anything lately, buhuttt….
I’VE BEEN WORKING ON MY QUEEN MUSICAL!!!! Entitled, The Rhapsody."
I know that many of you have felt confused, angry, upset, and even - in certain cases - indifferently underwhelmed by the lack of posts that this blog's been churning out, but fear not friends: The Hardcore and The Gentle is back. Of course, much has been said about this blog in the past six months. Some have dubbed it 'the forefather of WikiLeaks', a trailblazer amongst websites that publish widely unpopular content that startlingly makes its way into the public domain for others to read. Elsewhere, a Snappy Snaps employee from the Hampstead Heath area described reading The Hardcore and The Gentle as, "an even more dismaying and sickening experience than staring deep in to the depraved red eyes of George Michael as he comes careering towards you through a blizzard of broken glass and blown-up sample school photos". Other sound bites relating to TH&TG from 2010 include Vince Cable labelling it (or should that be 'cabelling it'? *titter*), "irrelevant"; the Pope hinting that, under certain circumstances, it could be a necessary evil; and the entire panel of X Factor judges branding it, "unconditionally brilliant".
So now that you're pretty much up to date with the various perceptions of this blog since it went AWOL, let me begin to ease you in to another retrospective look back at the year. As anyone who keeps up with the mainstream British media will know, 2010 started way back in January. Then it was February, then March, and before we knew it, April had arrived. May came hot on its tail, June was no slouch either, and, while things looked sketchy at points, July, August and September followed, although to this day no-one's quite sure in what order. October came next, although some chose to skip straight to November - more fool them, I say. And now we've arrived in December. And it's at this point of the year that I'm going to stop listing months and embark on listing songs instead - my top 50 favourite songs from 2010, to be precise. While last-minute claims by Panorama concerning irregular betting patterns surrounding the Top 50 list threatened to destabilise both this and future posts, David Cameron, Prince William and David Beckham have spent the last 48 hours fervently sucking my balls in an effort to defuse the situation, when they really should have been running a fucking country, serving as an emergency rescue helicopter pilot, and not cheating on their wife instead.
But all is good now, so I'll leave you with entries 50 - 41 (with a download link for each thrown in for good measure) of my Top 50 Favourite Songs of 2010, while I go off to rub some Nivea Ball Moisturiser on to my now heavily chafing balls. Voila:
50. Foals - Spanish Sahara
In which the Oxford math-rockers slide from the frantic ADHD of their earlier work to the svelte, measured style that fills their Mercury-nominated second album, 'Total Life Forever' - to impressive effect.
49. Jaga Jazzist - One-Armed Bandit
The title track from Norwegian experimental jazz outfit Jaga Jazzist's latest album, with enough layers and changing patterns to make it the Norwegian experimental jazz equivalent of 'Paranoid Android' or 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.
48. Teengirl Fantasy - Cheaters
A modern-day moral sermon, in deep, groovy electronic form.
47. DJ Nate - Footwurk Homicide
This list includes a handful of tracks from a couple of 2010's burgeoning genres, and this represents the first appearance of Chicago's 'juke' music in the Top 50. Now is not the time nor place to discuss the rise of juke, but basically it's generally not actually that good, despite what many websites may claim to the contrary. However there are some gems, with this swaggering effort by youngster DJ Nate definitely being one of them.
46. Kelis - Acapella
Kelis made the transition this year from sassy, milkshake-slurping R&B vixen to sultry, David Guetta-befriending electro queen. I for one liked it. However, David Guetta is a massive cunt. That is all.
45. FunkinEven - Heart Pound
With The Hardcore and The Gentle darling Floating Points not really doing much this year, it was left to others on the Eglo imprint to dazzle. FunkinEven had a stellar 2010, with this slightly Detroit-esque belter my particular fave.
44. Aeroplane - We Can't Fly
Aeroplane divided in two and released a patchy début album in October, but this cut of disco-house heaven was a great example of what's earned them such high praise in the past.
43. MMM - Nous Sommes MMM
One of the subtlest yet most devastating bangers to ravage dancefloors this year, the French duo's track was a deadly tool for any and every techno DJ the world over.
42. DJ Roc - King of the Circle
Mo' juke fo' y'all! This one starts off all film noir, before easing in to juke's characteristic high tempo beats and sampled vocal snatches.
41. Bag Raiders - Snake Charmer
I'm always a shucker for a jaunty and infectious little tune, and with this tune being as jaunty and infectious as they come it's just left to some solid electro beats and dissipated percussion to make this one a real shoulder-shaker.

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