Thursday, 5 November 2009

I Just Called To Say I Loath You

I've recently been inundated with literally hundreds of e-mails from The Hardcore and The Gentle fans imploring me to explain my reasoning behind each nefarious character included in the newly added 'The Unloved' list on the right-hand side of this blog. As befits the ingenuity and creative mindedness of the average THaTG reader, all of the e-mails have been wittily disguised as offers to watch Asian school girls get anally assaulted by horses live on webcam, or Nigerian business men imploring me to transfer money in to their bank accounts with the promise that my investment will quadruple within the space of two seconds. But I know who these "Nigerian business men" are. They're frauds. I know full well that they're really you lot, my enraptured fanbase, and that the request to transfer money in to bank accounts is really a thinly veiled plea for me to transfer some of my wise, wise words in to your yearning brains. Well, as has been recently pointed out in various media outlets, my generosity and good-will is comparable to that of Jesus Christ himself, and I like to think that I treat my disciples well. So, here you go guys: this is YOUR post.

  1. Michael Bay
There's not a huge amount more that I can add in criticism of The Worst Film Director Ever To Have Lived (known to his mum as Michael Bay) that hasn't already been perfectly poeticized in Team America's lol-tastic "Pearl Harbour" song. Michael Bay is just a dick who thinks that the only way one of his piss-poor screenplays can be made in to a film is by hurling several hundred million dollars at it in the form of grossly over-indulgent CGI and special effects, while also having an uncanny knack of choosing exactly the worst actors possible for the roles. Pretty much all of his films can fall pretty comfortably under the label 'over-expensive pieces of shit': Armageddon, Pearl Harbour, The Island, Transformers (and probably Transformers 2, the original didn't have me scrambling for tickets to the follow-up). And Bad Boys and Bad Boys 2 aren't exactly gonna be jostling for place at the top of any 'Greatest Films Ever Made' lists. Oh, and Megan Fox doesn't like him, and at risk of infuriating my very anti-Fox girlfriend: that makes him a Grade A douchebag. FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY.

2. Bill O'Reilly

A selection of the entries under "Bill O'Reilly" on Urban Dictionary should cover this section nicely:

"Completely ignorant white male who thinks he knows everything. Almost comical diction when is he cutting liberal commentators off and sweet-talking the conservatives."

"Another word for crap, turd, shit etc...

I stepped in some Bill O'Reilly."

"Pompous news anchor with a staggering ego. Claims to be neutral, unbiased, and "looking out" for the everyday American, but commits more logical fallacies per broadcast than any other. Also spends more time plugging merchandise, books, and website memberships on air than any other. Has been caught in multiple lies, fabrications, and exaggerations, and is prone to patronizing his guests as well as all of his viewers (whether or not they realize it). A joke of a journalist rivaled only by Geraldo Rivera, the "debate" content of his show is really a series of cat fights resulting in mic-cutting and arrogance."

"2. To cram a large dildo up your ass while having phone sex.

"Honey can you repeat that? I wanna do a "bill o'reilly" for the full effect.""

3. David Pleat

4. Bob Geldof

Putting a pretty napkin over a piece of shit doesn't stop it from being a piece of shit. All the charity campaigning in the world can't remove the fact that Bob Geldof is an unpleasant, self-righteous cocktug, who is crap at making music and naming children. To be fair though, he was responsible for probably the greatest gig the world has ever witnessed. No, not Live Aid. His 2006 show in Italy, where only 45 people turned up to see him play at a venue with a 12,000 person capacity, prompting Bob to throw a hissy fit and call off the concert. The fans were probably left gutted not to have the chance to see such Boomtown Rats minor hits as I Don't Like Mondays and, um.... err.....

5. Kanye West

Far, far too up himself, but even his extravagant claims of being the most intelligent rapper in the world and the voice of a generation hadn't fully turned me against him. No, this was reserved for until I actually saw him live in concert at Sheffield Arena, in which he descended in to a long rambling semi-rapped monologue of how ill-treated celebrities were by the press, as I helplessly stood by and watched my £35 spent on a ticket slosh away in to inane egotistical twaddle. Also, I have never to this day actually known who on earth Taylor Swift is, apart from a shocked looking figure in a silver dress forlornly clutching a statue of a spaceman while being told she's not as good as Beyonce, but I'm definitely on her side in the great MTV Awards fiasco. Up yours Kanye, you motherfucking gay fish.

6. Terry Taylor

Songs I'm Currently Loving:

I have a suspicion that Mediafire's (praise be upon it) recent makeover now means that you can download all these stingin' toons in one fell swoop by clicking on this link and then doing some stuff, I'm not entirely sure how to do it because I don't download my own songs. Anyway, from now on I'll endeavour to include the whole folder link as well as the individual links, as I appreciate that downloading songs individually wastes precious time that could be spent navigating the hell away from this blog to the safety of some incestuous raccoon porn.
  • Dorian Concept - Trilingual Dance Sexperience - relatively new track from DorCon which leaves the mouth watering for a follow up to the majorly mega When Planets Explode.
  • Hard House Banton - Zulu Form - I genuinely hate the term "UK Funky". It just seems like a pointless tag that's been made-up for a style of music that I swear has been around in various forms for ages and has never needed to be called something stupid like "UK Funky" before. Could it not at least be UK Funkstep or UK Funky Munky Dance or something? All it is at the moment is the name of a place followed by an adjective, much like "Tranmere Juicy", which you might not have heard of because I've just invented it. So you can be safe in the knowledge that if you don't see hipsters starting to go to Tranmere Juicy nights in the near future, then there isn't an ounce of justice in the world.
  • Silkie & Harry Craze - Favela - speaking of which, here's a nice 'n' Funky track from two UK producers, just for all you Tranmere Juicy-heads out there.
  • Rhythm On The Loose - Break of Dawn - this is some vintage house from the early 90's, and it's MINT mate, fookin' MINT. If you've ever been surprised to see a suitcase by the door then this song is basically telling your life story; you should probably consider legal action.
  • Acid Girls - Lightworks (Harvard Bass Remix) - I honestly have no idea why, but this song always makes me think that if it were a person then it'd be the man in the white suit with the ridiculous strut from the Dreadlock Holiday video. I have literally no clue as to why my brain decides to bestow this personification upon me. It's a banger of an electro tune though, it's earned it's strut.
  • 1000 Names - Pum - these ace glitch-hoppers may want us to believe that they have 1000 names, but the best song title they can come up with is "Pum"?? I don't know about you, but I don't buy their audacious claims, not one bit.
  • Shitao - We - this is a beautiful abstract hip-hop track from the rather un-beautifully named French producer Shitao. For damage limitation sake I'm still trying to decide whether it's better to pronounce his name more like "Shit how?", or "Shit 'ouse". This is probably (well, hopefully) the only occasion in life when you'll find yourself lapping up We from a Shit 'ouse, so enjoy it.
  • Maluca - El Tigeraso - this track is pretty damn ludicrous, but is all the better for it. Definitely enjoyable, but not the sort of track that you'd wanna be walked in on whilst wildly flailing your hands in the air to it sitting at your computer in your dressing gown, trust me. No, really: TRUST ME.
In addition to this fine array of tracks to greedily cram down your ear'oles, it'd be well worth your while to check out this latest mix by fast-rising DJ/producer Dan Boadan, as it's bloody good: October 09 Mix

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